Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

Everyone posts a joke here or there or starts new threads for one or 2 jokes. I thought it would be good to start a thread just for jokes like the Howboute some Pics and Hotties threads. Who knows we could have a whole line of Howboute Some threads in the future. Feel free to post any funny text in here, whether it is a joke, or a funny list, or a funny article. Anything funny and in text form.
I'll start with a couple of jokes.



A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?” The guide turned to him and said, “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.” Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide, “The drums have stopped, what happens now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “bass solo”




P.S. Oh yeah and lets make sure we keep the jokes clean.

[vernarial]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

[vernarial]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage.
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[vernarial]

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic.

The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. “We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.”

“Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”

“Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor.

“Will that cure me?”

“No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”

[vernarial]

Q: Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses?






A: ’Cause Italians do not like any witnesses.






Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?





A: The DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

[vernarial]

Q: What does a car battery have that a wife doesn’t?

A: A positive side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the male fly say to the female fly sitting on a pile of cow poop?

A: “Pardon me, but is this stool taken?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A golden retriever.

[rastagard]

1. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

2. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

3. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

4. Horn broken, watch for finger.

5. All men are idiots... I married their king.

6. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

7. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

8. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

9. Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply

10. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

11. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a dip.

12. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

13. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

14. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

15. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

16. Keep honking, I'm reloading.

17. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

18. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

19. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

20. I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

21. Ask me about microwaving dogs for fun and profit.

22. Itty-bitty cuddly bunnies... the other white meat.

23. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

24. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

25. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you!

26. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

27. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

[rastagard]

40.) Oh, I just couldn't, man, she's only sixteen.

39.) I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex.

38.) Duct tape won't fix that.

37.) Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36.) Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35.) We don't keep firearms in this house.

34.) Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33.) You can't feed that to the dog.

32.) I thought Graceland was tacky.

31.) No kids, not in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30.) Wrestling's fake.

29.) Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28.) We're vegetarians.

27.) Honey, do you think my gut is too big?

26.) I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25.) Honey, we don't need another dog.

24.) Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

23.) Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22.) Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21.) Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

20.) I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19.) Trim the fat off that steak.

18.) Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17.) The tires on that truck are too big.

16.) I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15.) I've got it all on the C: drive.

14.) Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13.) Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12.) My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11.) I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10.) Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09.) Checkmate.

08.) She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07.) Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06.) Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05.) I don't have a favorite college team.

04.) Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03.) You All.

02.) Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01.) Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

[rastagard]

OK geffers, I know you got some of these too, finish the list.......


25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.

24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.

23. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Erotic Adventures.

22. Dick, Jane, and Spot wander into The 'Hood'.

21. Lassie Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

20. Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

18. The Tickling Babysitter

17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.

16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes Furniture.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

12. David Duke's World of Imagination.

11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

9. Legends of Scab Football.

8. The Elf with the Detached Retina.

7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings.

5. Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse.

4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

3. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will.

2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Nude.

1. The Care Bears Maul Campers and are Shot Dead.

[Irish Homer]

Redneck astrology.
What's your sign?





OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

[Irish Homer]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel
when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one
from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the
door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees
all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared,
and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Colin-uk]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Colin-uk]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow.”

[Colin-uk]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the
way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair? .......................................



"The f**king funeral director," said his wife

[blackspawn]

GIRL'S PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
in the hall, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.




BOY'S PRAYER:
I pray for a nympho with big boobs who owns a liquor store.... oh yeah,
and a boat.
Amen.