Howboute some Jokes.

[rastagard]

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

[Dr. Avery]

A Rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer and a priest are having a late meeting at an orphanage one night when a fire breaks out.

The rabbi immediately exclaims "We must save the children!" To this, the lawyer replies "F*ck the children" The priest, obviously struggling with what to do looks around and says "Do you think there's time?"

[Dr. Avery]

John Mason was sitting in his usual bar one day when the bartender noticed John was looking a bit down, and proceeded to tell him so. "You're looking a bit down. What's the story?" John proceeds to tell the bartender about his wife, who judging by the story is a merciless, cheating, lazy bitch if there ever was one.

The Bartender reflects on this for a moment, and says "John - you need professional help. Go to the room in the back and ask for Ardy. Tell 'em Hal sent ya."

John heads to the back, asks for Ardy and finds himself seated in a small room redolant of cigar smoke and fine cognac. Across the table sits a man in his 40s who is every bit the achetypical mobster. John proceeds to tell Ardy his tale of woe.

Ardy takes a sip of his martini "I would like to help you, but you must understand I am retired. If the mob caught wind of me doing pro bono work, I'd be at the bottom of the ocean with a columbian necktie, a gut full of lead, and concrete shoes by the end of the week. I'll do the job, but it'll cost you one dollar."

John is overjoyed at the opportunity to be rid of his wife and hands over the dollar. Ardy then asks when he can find John's wife away from the home. John hands Ardy a photo and says "I get paid friday, so she'll be the first person out of Safeway monday morning"

John shakes Ardy's hand and goes home, clearly happier for the meeting.

Monday morning rolls around and Ardy is waiting outside of Safeway when sure enough John's wife come out of the door. Ardy springs to action and strangles the life from her. A bagboy sees this, and tries to stop Ardy - But ardy strangles him too. Then the manager sees this, and tries to help, Ardy strangles him too. Then, predictably Ardy fled the scene.

The cops finally caught him, and the next morning the headline on the front page of the local paper read:

ARDY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY

[vernarial]

Lmao... Good one Doc. I must be half asleep today. I had to read that last line a couple of times before I got the Ardy Chokes part. Nice play on words there.

An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland.”
“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!”

“Still do,” gasped the old man.

[vernarial]

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I'm getting at.”

[vernarial]

As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

[vernarial]

Brother John entered the'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.

"We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.

"You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.

"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[vernarial]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room had been taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.“

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?" asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,‘ and he sat up all night watching me.”

[geffers]

golf story

it was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf
course and I was beginning my pre shot routine, when a piercing voice
came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the
women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was so deep in my
routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly
back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the
man yelled "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's
tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window
directly at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted
back.... "Would the C**T in the clubhouse kindly shut the F**k up and
let me play my second shot!!"

[geffers]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates." In honor of the season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

"What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[geffers]

The local church realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through the church?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
_________________

[geffers]

My fellow men

It is important for you to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a job at a local transcription house. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

In spirit of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I over look comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Sincerely yours
Bob

Latest on Bob: His funeral was on Saturday. Nancy was acquitted Monday.
_________________

[geffers]

A Ticket...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[geffers]

dark sucker

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in your room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
_________________

[vernarial]

Good ones Geffers.

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”