Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

[vernarial]

It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”

[vernarial]

Bob and Doug, adrift in a lifeboat, see an old lamp floating in the sea. Bob starts rubbing the lamp, and a genie pops out and says she’ll grant them one wish. Without giving much thought to the matter, Bob blurts out, "Turn the ocean into beer!" Immediately the genie claps her hands and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the entire sea turns into brew. Only the gentle lapping of beer against the hull breaks the stillness.

Doug looks disgustedly at Bob and, after a long, tension-filled moment, shouts, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

[vernarial]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”

[vernarial]

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

To which Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam. Should’a bought a hat.”

[vernarial]

Family Ties
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

[vernarial]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The first officer replies, “You no rike Chinese? Why dat?”

“You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

“No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not Chinese.”

“Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn’t matter. They’re all alike.”

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the first officer says, “No rike Jews.”

“Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

“Jews sink Titanic.”

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All arike.”

[rastagard]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, LPDad, for some rectum deodorant.

LPDad , a little bemused, explains to the woman, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks LPDad .

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to LPDad, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[rastagard]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[rastagard]

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[LPDad]

Wow, I even made it into the (in)famous Joke thread.

..I am flattered.
Ya know, stuff like that really happens...that is not so far fetched.(you would be agast to know that I have actually heard worse...much much worse)

[vernarial]

An 85-year-old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor’s office with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doc.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing. We even called in Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

[vernarial]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

[rastagard]

Originally posted by LPDad
Wow, I even made it into the (in)famous Joke thread.

..I am flattered.
Ya know, stuff like that really happens...that is not so far fetched.(you would be agast to know that I have actually heard worse...much much worse)

Hmmmm, thats funny. I don't remember LP being in that particular joke.........Must be gettin old er sumfin.



BTW, ya been postin some great jokes here Vern. I consider myself a joke conniseur and thems some fine funnies.............

[rastagard]

Jose is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street.

Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie. Jose is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

Jose begins thinking, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When Jose gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

Jose yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and Jose takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink it.

Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. And the two drink and party all night.

The next night Jose comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and Jose comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

Jose begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Jose, why do we need only one glass?"

Jose raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!!"