Howboute some Jokes.

[Colin-uk]

LMAO, some good jokes there

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.


BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.







Wait for it, it's a classic!)















IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Wobbel]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

[Dr. Avery]

Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are walking down the street when they come across a huge doberman licking its balls.

Saddam says to Osama "I'll bet you wish you could do that," Osama lets out a wistful sigh, and says "Yeah - but he'd probably bite me..."

[vernarial]

hehehehehe Right on Dr. Avery.

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

[vernarial]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ”

[vernarial]

A police officer stops a local for speeding, and asks very plainly, “May I see your license and registration, sir.”
The local replied with a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, now you expect me to show it to you?!?”

[vernarial]

A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

“One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!”

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!”

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!”

[Trillium_65]

:rotfl:

[vernarial]

Q: What did the redneck get on his IQ test?

A: Drool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”

[vernarial]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

[rastagard]

Larry calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss, I can't come to work today, I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt. There's no way I can be there."

The boss says, "You know Larry, I really need you in today. When I feel like you do I just go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and then I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Larry calls again: "Hey, boss, I did what you say, and now I feel really great. I'll be in to work as soon as I take a shower... You know, you really got a great house."

[Dr. Avery]

hahaha - nice one rasta!

[vernarial]

A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

[vernarial]

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how ’bout a blowjob, 25 bucks?”

The priest says, “What’s a blowjob?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the center of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s a blowjob?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blowjob?” the priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the nun, “same as in town.”

[vernarial]

After spending the night at a hotel with a prostitute, a politician takes three $100 bills out of his wallet and places them on the dresser.

“Thanks,” says the hooker, “but I only charge 20 bucks.”

“Twenty bucks for the whole night?” the politician yelps. “There’s no way you can make a living on that.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” replies the prostitute. “I do a little blackmail on the side.”