Howboute some Jokes.

[the hunter]

Famous Quote.

Monica Lewinsky; I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.

[vernarial]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies’ room. “Apparently,” he says, “the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you’re sucked into the mirror and never heard from again.”

So the redhead heads to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in this bar.” A million dollars suddenly appears before her.

Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, “I think I’m the smartest woman in this bar.” The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.

Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, “I think…” And she’s sucked in and never heard from again.

[vernarial]

A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again.”

[Wobbel]

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clearwaters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

[hunter234]

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY!
Someone call the cleaner-we're going to need a mop.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
wait a minute...if this is his spleen, then what in the hell is that?
Hand me that... uh.. thing.
Yeah. I've developed this strange spasm in my hands. Whoah! all shit.
Rats there go the lights again.
You know, there's big money in kidneys, Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
What's this doing here?
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be the first time for all of us.
Sterile,schmerile. The floor's clean,,right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

[vernarial]

Down in a Hole

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!” The lion answers, “The ****er makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

[vernarial]

Stench of Death

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.”

The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm.

“Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her.

“Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.”

“Wow!” replies the man.

She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place.

“What happened?” yells the man.

The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

[vernarial]

A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No offence to any asian friends out there...........

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.
The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”

[vernarial]

A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man couldn’t help but ask, “How did you get the peg leg?”
“We were in a storm at sea,” replies the pirate, “and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, one of which bit my leg off.”

“Wow! What about your hook?” the man asks.

“We were boarding an enemy ship, and battled the other sailors with swords, one of whom cut off my hand,” replies the pirate.

“Incredible! What happened to your eye?” asks the man.

“A seagull dropping fell into it,” replies the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the man asks incredulously.

The pirate shrugged. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.”

[vernarial]

A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car heading the wrong way down Interstate 7; he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and yelled hysterically, “Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7!”

His wife replied, “There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of them!”

[vernarial]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
“Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”

“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.

“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”

“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.

The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”

[vernarial]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smith’s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two o’ clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the ‘statue,’ “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”

[vernarial]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a “handywoman,” and started canvassing a nearby affluent neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, how much do you want to paint my porch?” he asked.

The blonde, after surveying, responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing right there.”

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had lots of extra paint left over, so I gave it another two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde adds as she purses her earnings, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

[vernarial]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

[vernarial]

A passenger loaded his cases onto the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, “I’m flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle.”

The clerk replied, “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t do that.”

“Why the hell not? You did it last time!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bum approaches a man passing by for money.

Man: “Are you going to use it to buy booze?”

Bum: “No.”

Man: “Will you use it to buy cigarettes?”

Bum: “No, sir.”

Man: “Are you going to gamble it away?”

Bum: “Why, no!”

Man: “Then will you come home with me and show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble?”