Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The word is celebrate.”

[vernarial]

A lady approaches her priest & tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“Well, what do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house & I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray & read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase & your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads & praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots & the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!”

[vernarial]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, “You need more tail.”

The father turns to his son and says, “Son, I’ll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!

[vernarial]

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.”

The attorney asked, “Well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer replied, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yeah, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney asked, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer replied, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!”

[vernarial]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

[Trillium_65]

So many jokes so little time....good job vernarial!!

[vernarial]

Thank you Trillium_65. I hope lots of folks enjoy it.
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A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, “Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo...”
She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the ****pit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, “Be silent!”

There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot.

The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, resumed shouting, ”OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....”

[vernarial]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

[Wobbel]

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Joanne said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[Wobbel]

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No." she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?"

"No." she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated.

"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

"No." she replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing.

At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

[vernarial]

:rotflmao:
You're on a roll Wobbel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!”
The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?” “I don't like her.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.“
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

[vernarial]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can’t control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, “To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.”

[rastagard]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[rastagard]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful young woman, said quietly to his son: "Go get your Mother!"

[rastagard]

I know I've posted this one before, but it is still one of my favorite jokes..........





One day Ralph dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair,
he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Ralph: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a
drinking man?

Ralph: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers... We drink till we
throw up and then we drink some more!

Ralph: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Ralph: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Ralph: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Ralph: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well,
you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Ralph: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want . You're dead! Who cares?

Ralph: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?

Ralph: No...

Demon: "Ooooh,You're going to hate Fridays."