Howboute some Jokes.

[go-baby-go]

Natalie, a pretty but distraught model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and de-pressed all day long."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power."
"Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[go-baby-go]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day's race, and this time it won. The paper then read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper's headline the next day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



The Bishop was buried the next day

[vernarial]

lmao...good jokes guys...
A Texas farmer vacationing in Australia meets an Aussie farmer, who shows the Texan his wheat field.

“Oh, we’ve got wheat fields twice as large back home,” boasts the Texan.

They walk to another field, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

“Oh, we have longhorns that are twice as big,” says the braggart.

A little while later, the Texan spots a couple of kangaroos hopping across a field. “What the hell are those?” he asks.

“What?” says the Aussie. “Aintcha got grasshoppers in Texas?”

[vernarial]

Special Sauce

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

“Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

“Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

[vernarial]

Clip Job

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

"To your house."

[vernarial]

Zen and How

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep on Truckin’

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the ****ing brakes on that truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Circus Maximus

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[vernarial]

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!”

“Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

[vernarial]

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” The widow insisted that the suit be blue and gave him a check to pay for it.
When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.

He said, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads.”

[lil_amb]

Q.? What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A.? Liquor Cabinet

[vernarial]

“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says to his friend.

“Like what?” asks his buddy.

“Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.”

“I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You B***h—you ruined my life!’”

[vernarial]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited o me hand and foot.

And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”

“What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that crappy haircut?”

[vernarial]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

[vernarial]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high elligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!”

[vernarial]

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.
I can’t do that because I’m an asthmatic,” says the man. “The Breathalyzer could bring on an attack.”

So the cop suggests a urine sample.

“Can’t do it,” says the man. “I’m a diabetic, so my urine always has strange stuff in it.”

“Well,” says the angry cop, “why don’t you just get out o fthe car and walk this white line?”

“Sorry,” says the man, “but I can’t do that either.”

“Why not?” asks the officer.

“Because I’m drunk.”

[vernarial]

A Texas walks into a bar and orders drinks for the house because, he announces, his wife has just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." He's showered with congratulations as well as exclamations about the baby's enormous size. One fragile woman faints from sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar for a beer. "Hey," says the bartender. "You're the father of the Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds. How much does he weigh now?

"Fifteen," the father answers.

The bartender responds, "What happened? He lost five pounds."

The father takes a swig from his beer, smiles, and says, "We just had him circumsized."