Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetary plot for her birthday.”

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn’t get her anything.

She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?”

He says, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

[Wobbel]

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could
talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?", he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good
care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I
was born," he said. He then looked at his father and
asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked
him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times,
saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

[vernarial]

An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream. The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”

“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.

“I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?”

“Yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the increasingly agitated husband.

“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.

The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with a bag of bagels. His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, “Where’s my cream cheese?”

[vernarial]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

[vernarial]

Sneaky Women

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

[vernarial]

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: “So, where y’all from?”

The girl from New York said: “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where y’all from, Bi*ch?”

[vernarial]

A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool. The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says “Hey! We got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says, “You got a drink named Steve?”

[vernarial]

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help.
Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the testicles and squeezes the heck out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?”
“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

[vernarial]

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, “Yes.”
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, loaded baked potato, salad and chocolate cake?”
“Certainly sir,” replied the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“FOUR cents!!!!” exclaimed the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replied, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy said, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “Same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”

[vernarial]

Wishful thinking

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

[vernarial]

To Diet For

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

[geffers]

truth



A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He
found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and
"Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."


smack him

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place. Smack him again".


penis tax

THE PENIS TAX

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time,
it's hanging around unemployed,
20% of the time it's pissed off,
30%of the time it's hard up,
10%of the time it's in the hole.
On top of all this,it has two dependents,
and they'er both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January1, 2003,
penises will be taxed according to size!!!
To determine the category,
please consult the chart below, and confirm this information on page2,
Section 7,Line 3, ofthe standard 1040P form.

10 to 12 inches............................Luxury Tax................$50.00
8 to 10 inches.............................Pole Tax....................$30.00
6 to 8 inches...............................Privilege Tax.............$15.00
4 to 6 inches...............................Nuisance Tax.............$5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !

******* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gain
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service.




rednecks


A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting
when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator,
"I think Bubba is dead!
What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"

[vernarial]

Urban Warriors

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Texan. He explains, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. "Where I come from," he explains, "we have plenty of fine wine."

The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. "Where I come from," he says slowly, "we never waste booze—and we have plenty of New Yorkers."

[vernarial]

Union dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I’m sorry, it isn’t," she says.

"Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mighty offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop.

Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. "I’d like her for the night."

"I’m sure you would, sir, but…" says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."

[geffers]

poems:

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say that they are hungry and thirsty. It was freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

backshots:

A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab Sheik. He's wealthy beyond your
wildest dreams.
You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of
your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab
Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is poke me in the rear.
Day and night, all he'll do is bang my butt.. When I got married, my
butt-hole was like a dime... now, it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?

the madhouse:

A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to
the first room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of here," replies
the man.
The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.
In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club.
"What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I'm Arnold Palmer.
As soon as I make a hole in one I'm out of here!" replies the man.
The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room.
There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick.
"What the hell are you doing!" he asks.
"I'm f*****g nuts, I'm never getting out of here!