Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

Dubya, Obviously Not Jewish

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup.

The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

[adzidzor]

"Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'"

[technobeast]

Some quotes from www.bash.org

---

<1> whyd you get a mac?
<2> I have conqured the PC
<2> just wanted to try it out
<1> you got it cause you were bored?
<1> thats like saying "ive mastered walking with 2 legs" so you cut one off
---

<1> what the fcuk? a DVD enlargement system? did my two spam senders mix their titles?
---

<Reverend> IRC is just multiplayer notepad.
---

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language

----
Hope these aven't been posted

[Big Chris]

/me goes to look up matzo balls..


What do you call a woman with her tongue stuck out?








A lesbian with a hard on!

[Big Chris]

Why do Elephants paint their balls red?








So they can hide in Cherry trees!

[RipperRoo]

latest news from fairytale land....

Snow white was in hiding today after her past life as a crack whore was made public, when interviewed the seven dwarfs were quaoted as saying 'now you know why we were singing 'HIGH HOE'

[vernarial]

Christmas Parrot


One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire."

[vernarial]

Law Suit Against Santa!
by David Bibb


The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has
been putting that information in a vast database. The information
is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization
to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, ". . . clearly shows
a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice
stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are
involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for
the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same
sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI
on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records
do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes
on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and
local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.
Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from
around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be
taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of
children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of
the United States or any country which the United States currently has an
extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it
is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will
discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending
charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.

[tiremonkey2000]

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news." Linda asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Linda asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being
a natural bitch."

[Big Chris]

How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?














Shine a torch in her ear!

[~*LdY*LaFFs*~]

Subject: You know you have a big dog when:


The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.

You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.

You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.

You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.

You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.

You've learned to force a smile when asked "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"

The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.

Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.

The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home, and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.

Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.

You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.

Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.

You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.

[~*LdY*LaFFs*~]

Wrapping Presents with Dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in the middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dogs mouth.
4. Open Box.
5. Take puppy out of box
6. Remove tape from older dogs mouth
7. Take scissors away from puppy
8. Put present in box
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box again and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper
15. Take puppy OFF paper
16. Cut paper, being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. GO get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape since sticky stuff no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

[dragonfly]

Just found this..


A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three
people from different parts of the country.


In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer
would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying
on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from
Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one
from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names. It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

[vernarial]

It's been awhile since I posted some jokes. Sorry fellas. Here ya go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

[vernarial]

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."