Howboute some Jokes.

[Cirga]

OH man.. Vern those are friggin great! hahah

[Big Chris]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa
was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems
everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that
three were about to give birth and two had jumped the
fence and were out to heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his
way to the door. He opened the door and there was a
little angel with a big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would
you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of
the Christmas tree.

[greffov]

a little bit early, but LOL!

[Pantharen]

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

[vernarial]

Q: What’s the difference between Canada and Minnesota?

A: In Canada, Moosehead is a beer. In Minnesota, it’s a misdemeanor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men like taking showers more than baths?

A: ’Cause peeing in a bath is disgusting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

A: “Nice tits!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

A: Udder destruction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: WE’RE CLOSED…BEAT IT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What’s the most sensitive part of the body when jacking off?

A: Your ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

[vernarial]

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get sick?

A: Because he ate a six-year-old wiener.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: Why did Michael Jackson check into the Betty Ford Clinic?

A: To cure his 14-year-old crack habit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts will cost you at least one dollar, while deer nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

A: One says, “Hey, you, get off of my cloud.” The other says, “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What’s tragic about a Cadillac that goes over a cliff with four terrorists in it?

A: A Cadillac seats seven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common?

A: They’re all fixin’ to lose a trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.

[Pantharen]

[Big Chris]

lol

[Pantharen]

The F*cking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt sh!tty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat f*cker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

[Pantharen]

[Pantharen]

[tiremonkey2000]

Redneck Christmas Tree

[vernarial]

LOL nice ones fellas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call a nun’s panties?

A: A crack habit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do a washed-up boxer and Dracula’s girlfriend have in common?

A: They both go down for the count.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[vernarial]

Christmas In Heaven

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.

One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

[vernarial]

A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"