Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.”

“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.

“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

[vernarial]

Three friends die in a car crash, and find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children’ lives."

The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE'S MOVING!’”

[vernarial]

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot when it came to counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your financial education?” he asks.

“Yale,” replies the lad.

“And what’s your name?” asks the manager.

“Yim Yohnston.”

[technobeast]

Originally posted by vernarial
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot when it came to counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your financial education?” he asks.

“Yale,” replies the lad.

“And what’s your name?” asks the manager.

“Yim Yohnston.”

buahahahaha

[vernarial]

One day, there was an old bull and a young bull talking to each other in the pasture. The young bull looked at the older bull and asked, “Did you hear the farmer is getting another bull?”

This upset the older bull. “Before you got here, I had 120 cows to keep me happy. Then I had to give you 50. Well I am not giving up any more of my cows!”

The younger one thought a minute. “Well, I only have 50 and he wants me to give some up. Forget it.”

Just then the farmer pulled up and unloaded the biggest, meanest and ugliest bull ever created. Frightened, the older bull said, “Well at my age I only need a few cows, so I guess he can have as many as he wants.”

The younger one started stomping and snorting and puffing out his chest. The old bull looked at him in amazement. “Are you nuts? A few cows aren’t worth your life.”

“Cows, hell,” the younger one shouted, “he can have all the cows he wants. I just want to make sure he knows I’m not one of them.”

[vernarial]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”

Only one word leapt to mind…

“My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

[greffov]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?". "No. What did that stupid $@it do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little £*@er because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is sipping his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his @ss, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his @ss, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[vernarial]

Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"

The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."

"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."

[vernarial]

Two Irishmen are sitting at a pub having a beer when they see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel across the street.

One of them says, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Moments later they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Finally they see a Catholic priest enter the house of ill repute, and the first Irishman grimaces and says, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”

[fluffyfluff]

“What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”

don't ya mean little boys?

[vernarial]

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A: She read that one child out of every four babies born was Chinese.


Q: What’s a redneck fortune cookie?

A: A piece of corn bread with a food stamp baked inside.


Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.


Q: What’s the difference between the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus and the Rockettes?

A: One’s a cunning array of stunts …


Q: Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

A: Because Ken came in a different box.

[vernarial]

Q: Why do they call it PMS?

A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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Q: Why do men name their peckers?

A: We don’t want a total stranger making 90 percent of our decisions.
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Q: What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell—she’s got a grenade in her mouth.
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Q: Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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Q: Why didn’t John Denver take a shower before flying?

A: He figured he could just wash up onshore.
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[greffov]

Originally posted by vernarial

Q: Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

[vernarial]

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Kansas City Chiefs.
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Q: What does it mean when the flag at the post offiice is flying at half-mast?

A: They’re hiring.
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Q: Why did O.J. want to move to West Virginia?

A: Everyone there has the same DNA.
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Q: Why does Mike Tyson always cry during sex?

A: Mace.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
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Q: Why don’t rabbits make noise when they have intercourse?

A: They have cotton balls.
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[vernarial]

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the middle of a jungle?

A: Wipe it off and tell him you’re sorry!
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Q: What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?

A: Militia Etheridge.
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Q: What do you get when you mix Ex-Lax with holy water?

A: A religious movement.
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Q: What do Siegfried and the tiger have in common?

A: They both know what Roy tastes like.
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Q: Why do Italians wear gold chains?

A: So they know where to stop shaving.
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Q: Why did the blonde coed have sex with a Mexican guy?

A: The teacher told her to do an essay.
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Q:What is a specimen?

A: An Italian astronaut.