Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

One Sunday during his sermon, a preacher asks the congregation how many are willing to forgive their enemies. They all raise their hands, except for one elderly lady in the back pew.

The preacher notices and asks, “Mrs. Jones, why aren’t you willing to forgive your enemies?”

“Well, I don’t have any,” she replies.

“Mrs. Jones, you’re 93 years old and have no enemies? How is this possible?”

“It’s easy,” she says. “I simply outlived the bitches.”

[vernarial]

On his first day at a new job, a guy attempts to phone an intern. “Bring me a cup of coffee, pronto,” he bellows.

“Do you know who you’re talking to?” the voice on the other end of the line shouts back. “This is the president of the company.”

“Do you know who the f**k you’re talking to, buddy?” the guy yells.

“No, I don’t,” replies the president.

“Thank God for that!”

[vernarial]

Chips Off The Old Block

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

[vernarial]

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.

"What is it?" sighs the president.

"It’s this abortion bill. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Go ahead and pay it," says the president.

[greffov]

lol (2x)

[vernarial]

Ray dies and finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead—with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Marcus replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman.

Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

[vernarial]

Power of Deduction

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[vernarial]

Three kids are in a schoolyard, bragging about how fast their fathers are.

"My father runs the fastest," says the first. "He can shoot an arrow, start to run, and he gets there before the arrow!"

"My dad has yours beat," says the second kid. "He can shoot his gun and get there before the bullet!"

"Sorry, but my pops is the fastest," says the third kid. "He's a civil servant. He gets off work at five and he's home by 3:45."

[Wobbel]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to
find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad
doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."

[Wobbel]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you're not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing .

[Wobbel]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[vernarial]

Those are hilarious Wobbel!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

[vernarial]

This guy is flying down the interstate, going way faster than he should be, and consequently he gets pulled over by the state police.

When the officer comes up to the window, the man says, “Before you say anything, I should probably tell you that this car is stolen, I have an unregistered handgun in the glove compartment, and there is a dead body in the trunk.”

The officer, in absolute shock, calls for backup and within minutes the road is blocked off and there are cops all around. They search the car and find none of the things he said to be true.

After investigating, the sergeant approaches the driver and says, “I don’t understand. I spoke with the officer who pulled you over, and he said you told him there was a gun in the glovebox, a body in the trunk, and that the car was stolen. What’s the deal here?”

The man stands there dumbfounded, then says, “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, huh?”

[vernarial]

Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”

The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”

The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”

[vernarial]

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.