Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

nice Lady!

[vernarial]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.”

[vernarial]

Change of Command :

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, sir!"

[vernarial]

On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher asks each student to count to 50. Some count as high as 30 or 40; others can’t get past 20. But Johnny counts up to 100 without any mistakes. When he tells his dad how well he did, his dad says, "That’s because you’re from Alabama, son."

The next day, the teacher asks the students to recite the alphabet. Most can only make it halfway through without trouble, but Johnny rattles off the letters perfectly. When he brags to his dad about how he did, his dad explains again, "That’s because you’re from Alabama, son."

The next day, after phys ed, the boys are taking showers, and Johnny notices that he is better endowed than anyone else. That night he boasts, "Dad, mine’s the biggest of anyone in my class. Is it because I’m from Alabama?"

"No, son," explains his dad. "That’s because you’re 22."

[vernarial]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children!”

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”

“But sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my home is almost a foot tall.”

[vernarial]

Slip-Slidin’ Away
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

[vernarial]

One day a man tried to get an executive position with a Fortune 500 company. He aced every test, but at the final interview, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother investors. “I can fix that with some aspirin,” the man says. “All I need to do is take some and I’ll be better in a second.”

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the aspirin. He takes some and his incessant blinking stops.

Appalled by the display, the CEO says, “We, here, do not approve of womanizing!”

To which the man replies emphatically, “Oh, no, that’s not it! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while winking?”

[~*LdY*LaFFs*~]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth
and ideals So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a
very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer
and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition
to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no
one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the
answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom
for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered
such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot
asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as
a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the
time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down
below. OKAY?















Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,
said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?






The moral is: ..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

[vernarial]

Very nice Lady. Not only is it funny, but educational as well.

[vernarial]

One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.

Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

“Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied.

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?”

“Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

[greffov]

LMAO! He'll have to explain something to his friends, lol.

[~*LdY*LaFFs*~]

Nah, he'll just count his blessings tht his wife didn't find out his 'real' toast! ;p

[vernarial]

One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which in turn was immediately followed by a man walking solemnly along. Following him was a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died,” replied the man.

Bill then asked the man what the second hearse was for.

“My mother-in-law,” he said. “My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Bill thought about this for a while, before finally asking, “Can I borrow your dog?”

“Get in line, pal.”

[greffov]

lol

[vernarial]

You know greffov, I appreciate your laughter. It makes my hobby alot funner.


V