Howboute some Jokes.

[the hunter]

Good one CH, and also very true, as you cant be too carefull around lawyers.

[the hunter]

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?



A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

[Wobbel]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in Karate, and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second or two, shakes his head and says:

"Nah. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Colin-uk]

lmao

[the hunter]

Thoughts On Everything

1. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

2. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

3. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

5. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

9. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

11. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

12. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

13. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

[the hunter]

Subject: answering machine


These are actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous International Institute Of Answering Machine Answers.

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here, so leave a message.

3 Speak.

4. Hi, Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I
call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.

9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need
their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it
is safe to leave us a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So
leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back
to you.

[the hunter]

Subject: Canada blonde




Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.

Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell

him what Easter represented.





The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast

and we give thanks and eat turkey."



St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.



The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and

exchange gifts."



St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.



The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So,

tell me."



She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish

festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples

when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans

hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb

behind a very large boulder ... "



St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."



Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and

Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

[vernarial]

LMFAO Very good Hunter. Very good indeed.

[Cirga]

oh man.. that was great thanks hunter!

[vernarial]

Here is a classic from grade(elementary) school.

Q: How do you make a cat go woof?

A: Douse it with gasoline and toss it into a fireplace.

[vernarial]

The weekend before their chemistry final, four college friends go on a road trip. They have a great time but wind up missing the exam by a few hours.

They proceed to tell their professor they got a flat tire on their way back, so he lets them take a makeup test.

The guys study all night and show up on time for the test in the morning. The professor places them in separate rooms and hands each a test booklet. The first question is worth five points, and each guy answers it easily.

Then they turn to the second question: “For 95 points: Which tire?”

[vernarial]

Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”

The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”

The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”

[vernarial]

“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday,” Adam complained to his friend one day at the bar. “She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.”

“I have an idea!” said his friend Joe. “Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it? She’ll probably be thrilled.”

“Great idea,” Adam replied excitedly.

The next day at the bar Joe asked Adam if his wife liked the idea.

“Yep,” Adam said somberly. “She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!’”

[vernarial]

“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says to his friend.

“Like what?” asks his buddy.

“Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.”

“I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You bitch—you ruined my life!’”

[~*LdY*LaFFs*~]

Something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade !

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?

Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.
"We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.
"That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,
and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further." I know that place.
"Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. He asked if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?"