Howboute some Jokes.

[geffers]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer
him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden,
and went to him. The new surgeon examined him,
thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can make this right.
" After the operation, bandages off, stitches out,
the man goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon,
and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear,
it makes no difference whether it¹s a man's or woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything,
but I don't understand a damned thing!"

[geffers]

A redhead, brunette and a blonde were talking about the things
they¹ve found in their daughter¹s rooms.
The redhead says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter¹s room
once! I had no idea she smoked."
The brunette says, "That¹s nothing. I found a bottle of vodka!
I had no idea she drank.
" The blonde says, "I can beat that, I found a condom!
I had no idea my daughter had a penis!"

[geffers]

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I
thought you said 'A Protestant'!"


thats all 4 now

[geffers]

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

[geffers]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[geffers]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Ohio. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[geffers]

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called “Poles”, why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes”?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker”?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese get its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn’t 11 pronouced onety one?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowbows deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it, you have to touch it to be sure?

Why is it that a person's nose runs, but their feet smell?

Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was only supposed to be a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

[geffers]

Dave and Pete walked into a bar, bought themselves a drink and sat away from the bar when John a long lost pal of Dave walked in....

Dave: (walks over to John) John! He asks...

John: Now then, long time no see...

Dave: yeah a long time, what you up to now?

John: Oh I'm into Logics...

Dave: Logics??? Never heard of that... What’s it all about?

John: Well it's like logical thinking... well I can demonstrate... You’re the same age as me 35 yeah?

Dave: Yeah!

John: Do you have a Shed?

Dave: Yeah.

John: well if you have a shed you must have a garden?

Dave: Yeah!

John: 3 bed roomed, semi-detached house??

Dave: Yeah!

John: Married? Couple of kids?? Dog???

Dave: Yeah!

John: Well if you’re married you must have a good Sex life?

Dave: Well yeah, I got a great sex life!!!

John: in that case you won't masturbate that often either if you have a good sex life?!?!

Dave: No, That’s great... Logic thinking... wow?

John: yeah, and that’s what I do now for a living....

(Dave in total amazement walks back over to Pete…)

Pete: So what’s John up to nowadays???

Dave: He’s got himself a job in Logics!

Pete: Logics??? Never heard of that... What’s it all about?

Dave: Well…. I’ll demonstrate… Do you have a Shed???

Pete: No!?!?!

Dave: You must be a W^*$er then!!!!!!!!!!!

[geffers]

The little rascals were at school one day, and the teacher was asking the class to spell the word 'dictate'.

Alfalfa stood up and started spelling it..."D....i....c....c..."

"No, no, the teacher said, "you don't know it, sit down."

So next Spanky tried...." D...e...c..."

"No, no, you don't know it either, sit down."

So then Buckwheat raises his hand and goes, "Teecher, teecher, I know! I know!"

"D..i..c..t..a..t..e...Dictate."

"Very good, Buckwheat, now use it in a sentence."

"Ay, Darla, ow did my dic tate last nite?"

[vernarial]

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.After some thought, the pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all ofthe noise there arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause…

The pope replied, “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. Third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.”

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”

“Big tits.”

[vernarial]

Q: How are breasts like martinis?

A: One’s not enough and three’s too many.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, and another to say, “You’re lookin’ huge, man; you’re lookin’ huge.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you turn a fox into and elephant?

A: Marry it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?

His right hand caught fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you stop a clown from laughing?

A: Hit him in the face with an ax.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass, millions of hares, and a beaver.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you make a cat go woof?
A: Douse it with gasoline and toss it into a fireplace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a pig’s horny?

She buys the first round.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

A: “You don’t know! You weren’t there!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How come Barbie never got knocked up?

A: Ken came in a different box.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do we know toothpaste was invented in Alabama?

A: Because it’s not called teethpaste.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:How do you save a lawyer from drowning?

A: Take your foot off his head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him…is he still wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[geffers]

if star wars was set in glasgow

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker. Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not turn out to be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
_________________

[geffers]

some nice ones there vern


Jesus is walking around heaven, feeling nostalgic for his earthly life and family. He decides to look for Joseph to catch up on old times. He sees an old man and goes up to him.

Jesus: "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father."
Old Man: "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my son."
Jesus: "Well, my father wasn't really my biological father, but he loved me like a son anyway."
Old Man: "What a coincidence! My son wasn't my real son, either, but I loved him as my own."
Jesus: "Well, my father was a carpenter."
Old Man: "What a coincidence! I was a carpenter, too!"
Jesus: "Wow! Well, when I was a child, I left home for a long time, and when I finally came back, I experienced a magical transformation and became something completely different from what I'd been before."
Old Man: "Wow! The same thing happened to my son!"
Jesus: "Father!"
Old Man: "Pinocchio!"

[geffers]

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school
softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a Personal
trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband
seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:


Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!


Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning And
when he scolds, he gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.


Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took
me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine-which I sank.


Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the Sadist school
you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the $@#&& Weather Channel.


Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.


-------------------------------------------------
now i know what to get the mrs for her birthday.....

[geffers]

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck,
they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...

Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...

"Double Income, No Kids, Yet."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B, you know...

Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know..."

Wash, Iron, Fcuk, Etc."