Howboute some Jokes.

[vernarial]

Coach Marty Mornhinweg had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away—ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away—ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph—bulls-eye!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Mornhinweg said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Mornhinweg asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “…I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”

[vernarial]

A ventriloquist is visiting an Indian reservation and decides to have a little fun with the chief.

“Hey there,” he says. “I bet I can make your horse talk.”

“Horse no talk,” says the chief.

“We’ll see,” says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, “So how does your master treat you?”

“Pretty well,” says the horse. “He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.”

“I bet I can make the dog talk, too,” says the ventriloquist.

“Dog no talk,” says the chief.

“How about you?” the ventriloquist asks the dog. “Is he good to you too?”

“Yup,” says the dog. “We play fetch.”

“Let’s see what the sheep has to say,” says the ventriloquist.

“Wait!” yells the chief. “Sheep lie! Sheep lie!”

[vernarial]

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”

After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.

“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”

“I don’t know,” the guy replies. “My wife told me to stand here.”

[vernarial]

Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company over injuries he suffered in an auto accident. The company’s lawyer begins to cross-examine the plaintiff.

“Isn’t it true you said, ‘I’m fine,’ at the scene of the accident?” asks the lawyer.

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened,” Farmer Joe starts.

“Did you or did you not say, ‘I’m fine!’” thunders the lawyer.

“Let me explain,” pleads the farmer. “I had just loaded my mule Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this semi-truck crashed into us. I was hurt real bad. When the highway patrolman came on the scene, he heard Bessie moaning and groaning. He took one look at her, pulled out his gun, and shot her between the eyes.

Then he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me, and said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you?”

[vernarial]

A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”

“Of course not,” he says. “I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

[vernarial]

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr Smith and said, “Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know who to fire.”

“I’ll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow,” Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her, “Barb, I’ve got a problem.”

“Really? What's wrong?” Barb replied.

“Well you see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?”

Barb replied, “Jack off! I’ve got a headache.”

[vernarial]

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin me" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet,exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, You have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"

[vernarial]

THE THREE BEARS IN 2003: THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!, "he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KING PORRIDGE YET"

[Cirga]

LOL nice vern

[vernarial]

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaims.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad in recent years,
and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have
plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't
need money, because after I write my book, my TV show, and do
all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though...Yes,
that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles
removed."

POOF!!!!!

And just like that... her ears were gone!

[vernarial]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and
demand an apology.


Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now
just a minute! Listen to my side of it".................


This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had
locked the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to
get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for
me
to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people.
All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open
a
roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled
all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels.
The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up.

When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer.


And believe me Mister, as God is my witness........all I did was tell her!

[vernarial]

Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome. A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?” They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Ok, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”

Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”

[vernarial]

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened.
On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

[vernarial]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to
God, USA, they decided to send it to the president.
The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The
president thought this would appear to be alot of
money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note
to God which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
through Washington, DC, and those assholes deducted
$95.00 in taxes."

[geffers]

nice 1s verne

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital
with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young
auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and
hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,
"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my
testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to
wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting
a little distraught so marched over to inquire what
was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama
trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good
look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and
announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked
again, "Are my test results back???"